Just Don't Pay Attention to the Voices

Getting the Sacrament of Reconciliation - aka Going to Confession

Yesterday during the day went pretty well. Since this upheaval, we have not been going to Sunday Mass for about a month, and we needed to have the Sacrament of Reconciliation, both of us. You cannot have the Sacrament of Communion if you are not in a state of grace, and not making the obligation to attend Mass will put you out of of that state.

Spane had his First Holy Communion on May 15, 2011, when he had attained the age of reason. He's still a little guy though, and he said he felt a little rusty about what to do in the confessional, and what he should confess.

As his mother, it is my responsibility to bring him up according to our faith, but I can't dictate what is in his heart, and I cannot go into the confessional with him. What he says to Jesus in the confessional is between him and the priest acting as Jesus.

I told him that he should look into his heart and tell the priest what he was truly sorry for. It doesn't do any good to confess something and not be truly sorry for doing it. I suggested he tell the priest about kicking me in the shin since it was recent and easy for him to remember. I also told him that if he forgot to confess something because he really didn't remember, that was okay, too.

I went to the confessional before Spane did, and was pleased to see it was one of my favorite priests, who knows Spane well. I told him about what was going on, sought his advice, and Father said to pray for Jesus' guidance. He absolved me of my sins, and I left.

I was sitting in the pew, praying, while Spane was in with Father, and then he came out and sat next to me and said The Our Father four times. Later he said Father said he only needed to say it once, but Spane thought four times was better. I love my son!

We went home and had our hamburger picnic on the front porch again, then we watched TV together, and I waited for the storm to begin.

You Don't Pay Any Attention to Me, Why Pay Attention to Them?

So, when the voices did show up it was about 9pm, and Spane did not want to take a bath and get ready for bed.

Me

Spane, if you take a bath, you'll feel better, and you can get on the computer afterwards. Okay?

Spane

No, Mommy, they are making my head really hurt.

Me

They are there now?

Spane

Yes

Me

What are they telling you?

Spane

They are telling me I should throw the most important thing to you, your computer.

Me

I'm glad you're not paying attention to them! Do you want to come with me and I'll run a bath for you?

Spane

No, Mommy, they will hurt me

Me (taking Spane's hand)

Hold my hand, honey and squeeze it if they start hurting you.

Spane (as I am trying to pull him out of the chair)

No, Mommy, they are hurting me too much!

I sat down and gave up for a while. About a half an hour later, I convinced Spane to get in the tub. When he finally came out, about 20 minutes later, he told me that if he put his ears under water he only heard that water, and not the voices! That's a good thing!

Still Did Not Get to Bed Until Late

Spane still wanted to get on the computer for an hour, and I told him he could, but then when the hour was over, of course, the voices told him not to pay attention to me. That's when I said to him, "Honey, you can beat this! You already don't pay attention to me, just do the same thing to them, don't pay attention."

I hate living like this. Spane doesn't want to go to sleep because the voices are bad when he's trying to fall asleep, so he wants to stay up really late. I wind up falling asleep on the couch, then he comes and lays on top of me, and we finally go to bed.

Wash the Cat

I decided it was high time I washed our cat, Rolo, this morning, and woke Spane up at 9:30 to help me. He was really sleepy, but maybe he'll want to go to bed earlier tonight. We'll see!

A Night Without Voices

We went to see the new therapist yesterday, July 20, 2011, and she did some more intake, and asked more questions. I told her about the experience when Spane kicked me. Spane also told her about how he had ran into Zeik with his bicycle.

Problems with the Bicycle

Stevie, Amber and Brian went to the hospital and asked me to watch their kids while they were at the hospital. So, I was sitting at my desk, looking out the window watching the kids as they rode their bikes on the sidewalk in front of the house.

Zeik and Noelle were stopped, and talking, when Spane suddenly came up and ran right into Zeik. That started a big fight, with the kids running after each other, screaming, accusing, threatening. Finally, I went out and offered to take everyone out for ice cream. Getting everyone gathered up was a problem because Spane was still upset that Zeik had called him a Dick, which he had been, and Zeik was still upset that the whole thing was happening.

On the way to get ice cream, Noelle and Zeik and I stopped under a shade tree to cool off. Spane was stubbornly standing in the hot sun about a half a block away. I asked the kids what they thought about Spane, considering they have seen his behavior before, and Noelle said:

Me

You kids were with Spane last summer. Do you think he's better of worse, honestly?

Zeik

He's worse.

Noelle

Yes, I think it's a poltergeist. I definitely think that, because he is much worse this year than he was last year.

Eventually, everyone went and got ice cream, and we came back to the house, and things were a little better. No one was yelling at anyone, although Noelle did open up and start playing Spane's PeeWee Herman Christmas DVD - I warned her that he would probably be upset about it, and of course, he is today.

When we got home from the therapist, we had a nice dinner outside on the porch again, Spane got on the computer, I fell asleep in front of the TV, then woke up, and then Spane and I watched TV until 3:00am, when I said we had to go to bed.

No Voices, Mommy

When I gave Spane his headache medicine, which he said he needed, he refused the Benedril because he was already tired, as well he should have been at 3:00am. But, he said he had had a really good time, and that there were no voices!

I don't know how long this situation can continue like this, with me walking on egg shells so that I do not invoke the "other child". I finally got an email from the healer, and this is what he said:

I believe there is Satan in Spane's body and to get this Satan out we need to work on spane more I am sure you know what I am talking about.

Well, I'm not quite sure how to take that. Yes, there is definitely something in Spane's body. I don't know if it's a poltergeist, or Satan or Dandy Walker Syndrome, or the Three Stooges come back from the dead. What ever it is, I want it gone, I WANT MY SON BACK!

This is NOT my Child!

About Last Night

When I talked to Spane about what happened last night, July 18, 2011, he said he knew he was being bad, but there was nothing he could do about it - the voices just kept telling him to do bad things. During the day, usually the headache is not there, and the voices are not there - those only come at night.

Headache Log?

This afternoon, I finally got a hold of Children's Hospital and was told that it would be a month and a half to two months before we would be contacted about an appointment. In the meantime, I am getting a headache log in the mail. Whoopee! Spane has had headaches for two years, he is really suffering, and they are sending me a headache log??

I am very concerned because Spane's headaches seem to be getting worse. I also called his doctor today and was told that he could have 300mg of Ibuprofen instead of the 200mg of Advil. One good thing, I think.

Picnic Party

Tonight, we had a pizza picnic out the porch outside. We had a nice dinner, then we watched Robots together. We were sitting on the couch, Spane's head was on my shoulders. When the movie was over, he started putting his feet in my face, and I asked him to stop.

Kicked in the Shin

When I sat up, ready to stand up, he jumped up, and kicked me in the shin as hard as he could. I was so shocked I sat there with my hand over my mouth, and he just smiled at me. Then he walked over to the desk and grabbed the phone. I still couldn't move or say anything.

He came and sat down next to me, and I asked him why he kicked me and he said "The voices, Mommy, the voices."

I said: "But, honey, you knew that it was wrong, didn't you?"

He nodded, and said: "It always happens like this, when I'm having a really good time, like we were having tonight, my headache gets really bad".

I asked: "Spane, are we okay? Are am I safe with you?"

He said: "I don't know, I don't think so."

Then I told him the doctor had said he could have 300mg of Ibuprofen, and that's when went and locked himself in the bathroom. I eventually convinced him to let me in. I suggested he take a shower, which he did, and now he's putting on his pajamas and I'm going to read a story to him, which he will pick out.

This was a complete change of personality. One minute he was happily watching the movie with his head on my shoulder, the next he was kicking me in shin with all his might.

The child that kicked me is NOT my child. I don't know whose child it is, but I want MY child back!

Off to See Dr. Victor

Well, Monday morning, July 18, 2011, Spane and I got on the train to Northridge to meet our friend Josef, President of American Loyalty Card, who I also wanted to introduce to Dr. Victor. I thought they would get along well together.

While Raida, Dr. Victor's wife, and I talked business, Dr. Victor talked to Spane. Spane told him that he had a headache, Dr. Victor rubbed his head. Dr. Victor read the final report of Dandy Walker Syndrome, so he would get a better idea of what was going on with Spane.

After our meeting, Josef, Spane and I went to Foxy's in Glendale. Spane has always liked that restaurant, and was pleased to have a large fruit salad for lunch. We still didn't have our food back from Amber and Stevie's house.

I thought that we were going to have a nice evening, but I was wrong.

It seemed that nothing I did was helping. The headache started at dusk when it usually does, and he started acting up right away. It got really out of hand when I stepped on a large toy by accident, and when I went outside to get a breath of fresh air, he threw it at me - and he didn't miss. He also tried to hit me with a broom handle (he's seen a few martial arts movies). I finally got him to calm down at midnight.

Dead Like Me!

Sunday morning, I woke up and decided since it was hot to put ice in my coffee. I put my hand on the ice tray, and my finger touched the water - WATER!!! All the ice had melted, along with most of the frozen food I had bought.

I called Amber and Stevie, and Stevie said to bring our stuff over and he would barbecue most of the meat. Stevie's great - we ate well Sunday night.

Amber and I watched Hoarders, and were frightened, then we watched Dead Like Me and we laughed.

When we got home, our neighbors were outside talking, and Orlando said he would take a look at the refrigerator. It turned out that the dial in the freezer was set in the Off position. I don't know how it got like that, but when he turned it on, the refrigerator hummed back to life.

We were all so excited, hugging each other, and laughing. There was a some room temperature milk in the fridge, and Spane drank some, didn't like it very much, but he went to sleep anyway after I gave him his Benedril and Advil.

Another Doctor

Cruise Night photo courtesy of Brian Lewis

About a year ago, I was introduced to Dr. Victor Bagha, a natural healer, who has helped a lot of people beat cancer and other incurable diseases, including Bill Howard, Mr. America. Dr. Victor treated Steve McQueen, and worked out with Arnold Schwarznegger before he was famous. So, out of the blue, Dr. Victor's wife, Raida, called me and asked me if I would do some work for them.

We met with Dr. Victor and Raida on Saturday morning, and we went to The Toasted Bun in Glendale. Spane loves the Toasted Bun's Silver Dollar pancakes. He was having such a good time that he had two helpings!

Dr. Victor said to bring Spane out to his office on Monday so he could take a look. Spane has always like Raida, and he thought it would be nice to meet with Dr. Victor.

Saturday night was Cruise Night in Glendale, so we went with Zeik and Noelle. We had a nice time looking at all the old cars. One of the office buildings on Brand has a large park with fountain, and the kids played tag while I listened to Paul Revere and the Raiders - they were good!

By the time we all walked back to the library to meet Amber, everyone was really tired, and Spane went to sleep right away when we got home. It was a good night.

Fast Food? Phooey!

Spane went to the doctor today for a follow-up appointment. His regular doctor, Dr. Steinberg, saint that she is, is in South American volunteering, so we saw one of the on staff doctors. She said that Spane was old enough to have a mild Advil for his headaches, and that we just had to wait for the pediatric neurologist at Children's Hospital to contact us about the Dandy Walker Syndrome. I also asked her about his stomach pain that he has been dealing with since April, and she said the Dandy Walker might be doing it, but, and she looked straight into Spane's eyes:

Doctor

No more pizza, chicken nuggets, hot dogs, things like that

Spane (looking really askance)

I don't eat that kind of food. I don't like that kind of food.

Me

Spane's not really into fast food or junk food. We eat yogurt with fruit and honey for breakfast, a lot of fresh vegetables. I'm a gourmet cook, fast food doesn't exist in my house.

Doctor

That's good!

Me

Go over to the local Armenian store, to the preserves section and try the Young Walnut Preserves. You'll love them!

Doctor

I'll do that, I love walnuts!

And with that, we went to the pharmacy, got his medicine, and now we're going to have scrambled eggs for breakfast. Maybe we'll have a little toast with Young Walnut Preserves!